HELLO.
Much has happened this week with me going through "low"s.
Thursday was spent with me thinking a lot.
Many thoughts went through my mind.
I thought of why my brother should use the computer and not myself.
Then I thought of why he deserved to use the computer more than me.
After all, I had better results than him, and I studied so much harder.
Why is it so unfair?
This led me to think about deeper things, like my family.
Somehow I feel that it's so biased. (my parents)
Why is it so that they kind of love him more than me?
I don't know what to think of my dad.
He's always not around, he's always not supportive of me.
It's like, everything I do, he doesn't like.
Even my dreams, my ambitions, my future have to be from him.
Aren't they MY dreams and future?
I told him I like art, so he asked me to go into architecture.
But, hey, that's not what I want.
Sure that architecture is cool and interesting, but it's not me.
I'm more about design and fine arts.
He just doesn't understand.
Perhaps many of you face this too?
Our parents just like to impose their ideas on us.
It's like they were unable to fulfill their dreams, so they want us to do it.
But that's not what we want, please understand.
And for my day to day, I always face it without my family.
Sure that my brother is around, but is he really?
All he does is play computer all day.
ALL DAY.
Mind you, he even forgets dinner. (He went to buy food at 10:30 today)
And he's already 15.
Yet he's so immature, so narrow-minded.
How can I relate to someone completely opposite of me?
We've been through the same, (maybe his experience is worse)
but we're so different.
I guess that's like everything else, nothing will be the same.
There's still so much more that I will not reveal.
So I am alone.
But independent.
That's me.
My experiences have shaped me into this.
These walls that protect my inner fragility.
I'm on my own.
I thought.
I was already having kind of a breakdown so I smsed Han & Yin for help.
(How ironic that it's my siblings-in-Christ that spur me on instead of my brother?)
Thank God for Yin's verse.
Thank God for getting Han to talk to me.
They really made me feel so much better.
They reminded me on how to love my family.
And Han rebuked me yet again, reminding me that,
''Comparisons are easily done once we've had a taste of Perfection''.
Isn't this so true?
Why must we always compare ourselves with others?
You think someone else's family is better?
You're wrong.
Every family has their own problems. (there's this chinese proverb?)
How selfish was I to have only thought of myself.
It's always me, myself and I.
What about others?
So I learnt again to let go and let God.
Which made me feel so much better.
And I'm never alone because God is always with me.
(and with you too!)
HAPPY
by Leona Lewis
Someone once told me that you have to choose
What you win or lose
You can't have everything
Don't you take chances
Might feel the pain
Don't you love in vain
Cause love won't set you free
I could stand by the side
And watch this life pass me by
So unhappy
But safe as could be
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy, yeah
Just wanna be happy, yeah
Holding on tightly
Just can't let it go
Just trying to play my role
Slowly disappear, ohh
All these days I feel like they're the same
Just different faces, different names
Get me outta here
I can't stand by your side, ohh no
Watch this life pass me by, pass me by
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
Cause I'm just trying to be happy, ohh, happy, ohh
So any turns that I can't see
Like I'm a stranger on this road
But don't say victim
Don't say anything
So what if it hurts me?
So what if I break down?
So what if this world just throws me off the edge
My feet run out of ground
I gotta find my place
I wanna hear myself
Don't care about all the pain in front of me
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, yeah, happy, ohh, happy
I just wanna be, ohh
I just wanna be happy
Ohh, happy
Labels: i gotta find my place; i wanna hear myself.